This time last year, I would have never imagined I would be where I am now in my life. This time last year, I had every thing I had ever dreamed of. Given that the only thing I ever dreamed of was love, I had love in every aspect that anyone could ever hope for. I had my relationship with God; my love for Him and His love for me. I had the greatest love between my friends and I. I had the love within my family. And I had the love with a significant other.. the big one that everyone hopes for! I was literally the happiest girl in the world. I grew on love. I lived off love. I was loves' biggest fan; no doubt. Because of love, I had every thing I ever wanted. My whole future was already planned out for me and I was happy with every single bit of it.
I was so wrapped up in love; so taken in by it's beauty and just the amazing feeling it gave. It was so captivating. Anyone could agree! I wouldn't trade the feeling for anything. There was no step taking when I discovered love. I took it all at once. I was like a little kid in a candy shop; once I tasted a little, I took the whole jar..and then some! And sure enough.. I suffered the consequences of a tummy ache..
It literally was almost an over night process when things fell apart. I had such great hopes for love. I was ready for it to last forever. Then out of nowhere, everything I ever assosciated with love was just broken right in front of me. Love wasn't even recognizable to me. After this, the first immediate feeling that overwhelmed my heart was hate. Hate. Hate... The worst feeling in the world. The feeling that I was not the biggest fan of. The feeling that I never thought I could ever feel towards anyone or anything. I was angry, hurt and so disappointed. Surely this was the end for me. I thought there was no hope from that point on. Without love, there is no hope.
Feeling like I was left with nothing at this point, I started to analyze everything I had ever known. Everything I had been growing off of for the past four years. During this analyzing, I discovered something very life changing. I had no idea who I even was anymore. I had no idea what love really was. How could I have possibly loved for so long when I didn't even know who I was? How could I have possibly loved for so long when I didn't even understand the full meaning and capabilities of love? Everything was changing all at once.
Although I thought there was no hope..I was discovering a new way to love. I discovered a whole other level to love; a whole new feeling. "To become whole, first let yourself be broken" I never wanted to be broken in the first place. Nobody likes a broken heart. Nobody wants to be hurt or let down. But obviously there was something greater out there that I was missing out on. God had greater plans for me and a new aspect of love that He wanted me to discover. At this point in time, today, I feel like God was showing me and pushing me in the direction to discover what I deserve. How I should be loved. How greatly someone should love me. He wanted the way He loves me to be my standards for the way someone else should love me and treat me; but also the way I should love and treat someone in return. Although I say I was discovering a new way to love, it wasn't as sugar coated as I probably make it sound. Heart ache and disappointment were still a part of this game. I still continued to put my heart on the line and to get hurt by those I loved. But this is what I had to do. I had to go and explore in order to find. I had to take the risk or I would never fully understand the true meaning of love, or what I deserved in love. I had to let myself break and go through all these obstacles in order to know what it feels like to be whole again; in order to know what I needed to be whole again.
It's hard to deal with a situation like this and to let everything play out like it should. There were times I just wanted to give up and say forget it. I just wanted to run back to what I knew before. The beginning; what I thought was love. But I couldn't. That wasn't the plan for my life. I would never get anywhere if I just went back to where I was already stuck before. I had to find the courage to just forget the past; lose sight of the past. I had to move forward and find what was really out there. There are times now when I say to myself, 'I will never love again' or 'I will never find someone.' These statements are not true. You don't have to have a significant other to love. You love everyone. Everyone around you. Finding someone does not have to be someone of the opposite sex to spend the rest of your life with. Find your family. Find a friend. Find God. And just love. There are so many ways to love, people just have the wrong idea of what love is. The world only promotes one way to love, and that one way is the way that causes the most heartbreak. Start somewhere or with someone that will show you how to really love. You'll know if it is right or wrong. You'll know if the feeling you have is real or unreal.
When I first started writing this blog this morning, my plans were to go in a different direction with my point. I titled it "Give me a reason to love.." because I truly could not think of a reason to love anymore. I have been through a lot of heartache and disappointment in the past 10 months and I almost...ALMOST lost sight of what love is. But as writing this blog, it just all came to me. Everything happens for a reason. This journey I am on is only the beginning. I can finally stand on my own two feet through this journey. There are going to be many more obstacles ahead of me as I figure this whole thing out. Understanding that there is a light at the end of this tunnel is a major step that had to be taken. Without hope, you won't find what you're looking for. You won't find love if you don't have hope that you will find it out there somewhere. Just take a risk and go through all the trials. Be strong and go through it. "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." So you have no excuse to back down. You have no excuse to not find a reason to love. You have every reason in the world to find a reason to love. Just go looking for it.
I found a reason to love..